In this post I bare my life...

Last night, after four hours of staring at the monitor where creeps are headbanging against each other, I once again realized the importance of having a good fried who understands your personal and professional life.

As we wait for the jeep that would take me to the boarding house that has been my surrogate home for the past week in this city, I was finally able to talk about what has been boggling my mind for the past months or so. You see, the last time I was part of the employed portion of the Philippine population was last September. It is my stubbornness that made me do so. Partly because I felt that I should be doing something else.

Sometimes, I suffer from much internal conflict because of the principles that I have sworn myself to follow. For one, I believe in quitting a job first before finding another one. This might be something that has sprouted from my weird perception of respect. Why find a job if you already have one to begin with? Doesn't that come off as disrespectful to the company or organization you are working for? I guess it was just my inherent desire to come off as a just person which is why I justify my lack of interest in a said occupation by providing an avenue for self-generated stagnation by not doing what sane people usually do. It could also be because I am a stubborn and arrogant bitch that I feel that job-hunting isn't something that would be tagged under my belt as I am used with only having one to two weeks of waiting for a job I applied for before they come calling me.

Whatever the reason might be, I was in it for a bad situation. After resigning, I started looking for jobs. Sadly, nothing happened. Four months after resignation and I'm still jobless. I tried praying, asking God for guidance. Still, nothing happened. There was a point in time when I went from thinking that 'this is not what God wants me to' to 'God is only teaching me a lesson' to 'Is God even listening?'. To which the last one I am trying my best not to think about. But it keeps popping in my subconscious, as if it's the question all of humanity should answer.

I presume nobody really thought much of the internal battles I was facing. After all, I still manage to crack some jokes, spazz online, talk animatedly with friends, even counsel a cousin to go back to school after giving up on her studies. I still look okay. And what's so sad is that, I even fooled myself into thinking that I was okay.

It wasn't when I talked to a friend one night in January, when I opened up my mixed feelings of 'wanting to die, not wanting to die, and feeling like dying', that I realized how battered I was with all that was happening. Albeit that talk only prompted me to pack my bags and go to Davao for some 'soul-searching' (I never really thought I'll ever use this word in my entire life, but here is it now), it was last night when the reason dawned on me.

Bapa said that the reason why I keep on changing jobs and losing my interest is because I haven't found something I love doing yet. He was right. Somehow, I already know that but hearing it from somebody else ratifies the reason. I got teary-eyed after realizing how my professional life (or lack thereof) has been threatening my personal life all along. I realized how my principles, though just and commendable, do not always stand in the real world.

"Do not blame God or yourself. It is not your fault that the unemployment rate of the Philippines is high."

I laughed when he said this; but it was true, alright. I'm not used with failure and rejection so I felt really down when it happened to me. In that talk, I was enlightened with a lot of things.

Which brings me to what happened today that is basically the reason why I’m doing this post. My grandma called me. Apparently, I’ve been hired now. I am employed. In a government office.

Funnily enough, I never actually did want to work in that office. In this hiring, I am quite sure I am violating a lot of the principles I've tried my best to stand up to for years. The office didn't even call me, they just contacted my grandmother, and I'm not sure about the working environment there. But then, having something to do is always better than idly waiting for a miracle.

I know I may be committing the same mistake again by going on this even though this isn’t what my heart tells me so but I’m still hoping that at the end of this, I will gain something out of it.

Hopefully, it would be something that I will be proud of.

Right now, the most pressing concern that I am facing is that I wouldn't be with the trolls on February 10 for Syoo's birthday. :(

Why do young Filipinos write mostly in English?

Sinubok naming lumikha sa wikang katutubo — sa wikang nararapat at itinadhanang yariin upang mahubog at mapagyaman ang Lahing Kayumanggi. Sinubok naming ipinta ang kulay ng buhay gamit ang maramot na tinta ng pluma; ikinintal ang panaka-naka’y mailap na bugso ng damdamin; hulihin at ikahon sa parisukat na dahon ang mga salitang nagniningas, nagpupumilit pumainlang sa aming balintataw.

Yamang hindi kami dalubhasa, ang bawat pagsubok ay nawawangis sa isang batong inihagis pataas upang bumulusok lamang sa burak.

Hindi matatantya ang hirap magsulat sa ating Wikang Pambansa — ang magamit ito ng puro at walang bahid ng kung anumang dilang banyaga. Hindi biro ang pagbigkas sa isang wikang binulaklakan ng talinghaga at inanod sa kagandahan. Kawangis ng gintong ikinahihiyang haplusin ng isang hamak na pulubi, hindi madaling gamitin ang Wikang Filipino - ang Wika ng mga Makata.

No Monkey Business

This is a rant. Well, sort of.

I miss blogging in blogspot. I miss blogging in blogspot because this is the place where I can simply write all my thoughts without bothering about the syntax, grammar, matters of briefness and conciseness, and other hullabaloo. The words spill into the blogpad and before I knew it, I've written what might look like a brief summary of a series of novels. This explains why I could never ever delete this blog. Here, I am free of worries about what people might feel had they read my entry. Here, I speak and you shut up. (but comments are loved, of course) =))

So anyway, before I forget my real intention of writing this blog, I will start now. Haha.

Primarily, this blog will talk about MONEY MATTERS. Ta-da!

In today's world, everybody seems to be concerned about money, money, money, and more money. By world, I define it with the people who I am currently interacting with, may it be online, personal, or whatsoever. Maybe it's because we are in the point of our lives wherein long term sustainability is a big issue. In as much as I would love to look back on my wonderful teenage years, I cannot fool myself in believing that I am still a young kid who is basically new to the world.

I'm on my twenties now. And so is almost everyone around me.

This is the age wherein people are expecting you to either end or start something. End your education and start with your 'real' life. Thus, this might also explain why the 20s age group remain as one of the major target markets of numerous enterprises all over the country. When you've reached 20, you are expected to finish school and start earning. And by modern standards, earning now isn't anymore defined in a get-a-job-and-be-paid manner. Today, young professionals are expected to be at the front lines of development. And how is this so? By pushing them to do business.

Yes, I used the word PUSH.

I am challenging you to show me a person in her or his twenties who has NEVER been offered a business endeavor at least once in her/his life. By business endeavor, I am referring to business offers on retail promotions, wholesale marketing, and basically anything that involves buying and/or selling something. If we be blunt, show me someone who has never been offered ANY NETWORKING-related business. Quite hard, right?

That's primarily because networking is one of the, if not the most, prevalent business strategy there is today. I don't have problems with this or any business whatsoever; however, I do have problems with people constantly forcing me to jump into the bandwagon.

Let us discuss matters in a manner that is not restricted to value-judgment. We will not speak about how some people just want to get you to work because it will be beneficial to them because that's bad. And we will not speak about how these large fishes prey on small-scale entrepreneurs because they are of a better head start because that's bad. Na-uh. No value-judgments. Just plain and simple principle discussion.

There are approximately eight billion people in this planet and even with the seemingly factual report that 90% of the said population base their principles on what is being spoon-fed to them by the media, we are in no right to assume that all these people share the exact belief in money.

Everyday, we hear about how money makes the world go round and how having none of it basically reduces you into a status that is of the same level (if not lesser) than that of a pikey. Yes guys, money is important but in as much as it is a primary instrument in acquiring the basic needs for human life such as food, clothing, and shelter, it is not the only way for us to have the said needs mentioned above. There is also this wonderful concept that we call social capital.

I do not have any background in business (and I do not have any intention of actually acquiring one) but I am grateful of the fact that I have a rather good understanding of economics. I thank my college economics professors for being effective teachers and it is to them that I credit my ability to choose between options in a manner most beneficial to me.

See, I grew up with money being an unimportant factor in life. I wasn't raised to be materialistic and I am not easily dictated by the strong force that is consumerism. Because of this, I do not really find the need for me to be rich. And by rich, I mean having ten digit figures on my bank account.

Everyone wants to be rich, at some point this is true, yes. But everyone wanting to be rich is different from everyone whose goal is to be rich. Want is different to goal. Want is fleeting as goal is almost always eternal. In an attempt to make it clear, I will use an example using a celeb crush. Everyone, at some point in their lives actually developed a crush on a celebrity. It may be a small crush, major infatuation, or something that borders on obsession. However, the case differs per person. And it doesn't necessarily mean that when you like a celebrity, you actually want to marry her/him. You may come to a point of thinking about such but you will almost always find your way ending up with another person. It works that way too with being rich. Some people wants to get rich but these are some people too who actually don't find it as a necessary goal in life.

Like me.

Yes, it's nice to have good cars, large houses, and endless supply of Jollibee Beef and Mushroom, but trust me, my goals go beyond that.

To be honest, I feel that me dreaming a dream that is shared by almost 90% of the world's population is a big insult to my ability as a person. I can do a lot of better things. My abilities and my dreams perfectly mold into one another and I'm really sorry to tell you this but it's not in any way connected to being rich.

Let the people who want to be rich, be rich.

I can be all innocent and believe that you guys only want my betterment and see me a happy aging woman with luxuries left and right but sadly, that dream is YOUR dream, not mine. I live by the day and it might seem as if I do not have any long term plans about my future, but trust me, I do. I have already thought about what I want to do with my life even before I got into college and I am no way wasting my sixteen years of education doing something totally unrelated to it for the rest of my life.

I have no background in business but I know how business works. I have invested in my dream and that dream will be mine. I am working on it slowly but surely. And believe me, when I get there, I'll be enjoying something that no other riches can offer me. Who knows I might also be rich by then.

Unlike most people, money isn't my ambition. But it could be a part of it. After all, money and ambition aren't exactly mutually exclusive.

It looks like I've written a thesis paper so to sum it up, I'll tell you this really cute fact about me.

I am not born to be rich. I am born to be great. :)

Epiphany

The streets are cold at eleven thirteen in the evening.

Mick, Jaejoong, and I were walking along Bajada after going to Elishar's wake. Elishar, or Chief to his friends, is a Sociology major who has been my classmate in one too many minor subjects back in college. I cannot actually consider us as close friends (or maybe even friends, at all). I'm pretty sure I never had any conversation with him except maybe exchanges of hi and hello. I cannot even remember his face when Mick broke me the news. All I remember is that sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard that he has passed away. The name, which has become all too familiar from the countless number of times I've heard it during roll calls or from the mouth of friends, resonated at the back of my head. And I know that even though Chief and I never shared a moment that I can rightfully remember, I have to pay respect to the familiar stranger who I share 80% of my network web back in college.

I've seen friends at the wake. Friends whom I haven't seen yet since that fateful day two years ago when we walked down the university field with our togas and diplomas. It's a reunion. In the simplest sense of the word. Tears fell, even without me wanting to, at the realization.

Why is it that old friends get together only when they aren't complete anymore?

Stories were told. And because I have none to share, I was simply there to listen. Bayani said he thought Chief will actually outlive him. It is after all logical that cholesterol-devouring, smoker-drinker Bayani will have the shorter thread of life compared to no-vices, healthy-living, goody-two-shoes Elishar, right? But then, life is always unpredictable. Funny part is, Life also dragged his best pal Death on his favorite hobby of surprising people. Mere two years after graduation and Chief, two months fresh from the age of twenty-three, already passed away.

Mick is sad. He said he is sad because he is frustrated. Frustrations mainly not his but that of his friend. He said Chief still had a lot of plans. Of things he wants to happen and titles he wants to have. None of those will happen now.

Looking at the coffin and the flowers all over it, I wonder: Had Chief received at least one flower back when he was still alive? Had all these people sending their sympathies actually given him a compliment back when he was still able to hear it? And maybe because even with all the wakes that I have attended to, I am still rather ignorant with this rite, I can't help but wonder as I look at the silk sheets draped over the casket: Is it only in the time of their deaths will poor people finally feel how it is like to lie on soft and silky mattresses?

I was crying all throughout the novena for reasons not thoroughly related with Chief. I cried because I see people crying and I was reminded of what life is in general. Life, human behavior, society. It was there where I realized how it isn't after all death itself which makes people cry during funerals. It's not the departure which saddens them but rather the feeling of loss. It's not the absence of the deceased person but rather the absence of something from their lives. People cry not because someone dies. They cry because in that person's death, they are reminded that they are now one friend lesser than they previously were. In other words, they cry for themselves. For the overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

For some reason, it made me think of myself and how things would be if I die. First off, how will my friends meet? The Islamic way mandates the body to be buried immediately after demise and that means no wakes to attend to. Who will tell my online friends? What might be the people's reactions?

I contemplated for a moment and talked to Millie when I had the answer figured out. My friends could go to our hometown during the 3rd or 7th day after the burial. 7th day would be a better option because 3rd days are usually reserved for family/clan sympathizers. Because I will be buried already then, I want them to arrive together. I want them to talk about the crazy things that they can remember about me (they will never ran out of things to say) and I want them to share the stories with my family members. Jenny should inform my online friends by logging in to my tumblr or twitter or whatever and share the news. That way people will not wonder why I'm not updating fics, uploading manips, or logging in anymore. I told Millie this and she shushed me. I looked for a piece of wood afterwards so that I can knock on it. xD

Going home, we (Mick, Jaejoong, and I) passed by a convenience store. I'm always hungry (psychologically) so I went inside the store. My initial plan is to buy something and then maybe buy another on the next food store we'll pass by along the way. I was about to grab a huge can of Pringles when I saw this street kid standing at the counter. He might be around eleven or twelve but his size is roughly that of a nine-year old. He holds in his hand a single pack of instant noodles. Another street kid younger than him stands on his side holding a carton of juice. The older kid counts the coins on his dirty hands before giving it to the cashier. The money might be the accumulated coins he had gathered all day, may it be from begging or doing random street jobs.

It was a simple scene but it struck me. It was a humbling experience, to say the least. On how this kid, could have easily steal things at this rather large convenience store but chooses to do otherwise. I asked him if it's only the noodles and the juice that he's purchasing. He nodded so I asked him to follow me and choose whatever he wants from the store. He can't seem to decide so I took a bread from a rack, two packs of sandwich spread, and a liter of water. When I asked him about his family, he said the other kid isn't his brother and that he's already an orphan. I told him to stop talking and refrain from appealing to pity because it will take him nowhere. I am actually against mendicancy but I figured that spending my money on eating even when I'm not hungry at all is downright unjust when these kids barely have any to eat. He was all too happy and ran with his friend outside the convenience store. The younger one already had an empty cellophane on his hand and a pack of vinegar on that other. Turns out, they do not cook the noodles (of course, how could they, they do not even have a house to begin with) but rather mix it with vinegar. They have the cellophanes for plates and my heart broke a little when the younger kid asked the older one what the sandwich spreads were for. Mick told me to take a picture but I refused. We were about to leave when the kid himself asked me to take a picture of them.

"para di mi nimo malimtan, 'te." ("so you won't forget about us.")

It was a funny statement but I started tearing up. Stupid kids! Here's the picture, anyway. Older kid looks a bit like Yoseob, neh? :))


People might think that my job in the media is a lucrative one; but honestly, I live at a budget of $130 a month. Food, transportation, and lodging are included in the budget. How I still manage to live is because of my osmness. The $130 is now $3 less from the food I gave the kids and to be honest, but it is definitely the most worthy $3 expenditure I had in my entire life.

Looking back at what happened today, I felt the need to write it so that I will always be reminded of the lessons it has brought. On life, death, and the struggle one faces as s/he goes between the two. To Chief, you will forever be remembered by the people whose lives you've touched. To the kids, it might be the last time we'll see each other but I hope that simple thing I did will always remind you not to lose hope in humanity no matter how hard life may become. To myself, I hope I will not forget the lessons I have learned today.

That life is fleeting and that all the people in the world can be classified into three categories on how they react with this reality: those who turn a blind eye, those who blame, and those who stops for a while and try to make a difference.

Nomnomnomnorm

I never knew I'm a non-conformist until people started pointing it out to me.

Which led me into thinking that, if I am a non-conformist, why is it that I still support strong values on certain principles and issues like murder, drugs, etc? If I, as a non-conformist, refuse, albeit subconsciously, to adhere to certain norms, why is it that I can't do so absolutely to all other existing norms?

And after sufficient reflection, I have come to the conclusion that, there are different kind of norms i.e. cultural, societal, moral. And of such norms, it is the societal kind that I find less worthy to be followed. I opt for moral norms because morality, though not ultimately constant, is at least, less fluid than societal norms. Apart from that, societal norms are mostly established from a popular vote or that which is approved by the majority; regardless if the banking principle is morally right or wrong.

Some may argue that moral norms are heavily dictated by society but this does not hold truth all the time. In fact, it is the society which bends the said norms.

Moral norms are usually universal truths. And when referring to society, we do not refer to one entity; but rather to the thousand existing groups present in the world. To address society as a single homogeneous concept is counter-intuitive and, essentially, unjust.

Moral norms exist but it gets bended when it is applied to different societies. For example, genital mutilation. The moral norm, and universally accepted rule, is supposedly, no human being should be subject to practices that elicit torture or something that resembles the idea of such, in as much respect is given to the idea of the human life. However, said moral norm gets redefined when applied to societies especially when the concept of culture is added. Cultural norms are a completely different story and I refuse to elaborate more on this primarily because I'm getting hungry and I want to go home now.

Anyway, my realization can be sum up to this: it is necessary that there is a clear line that is able to distinguish such concepts. My feeble contribution is that societal norms can be distinguished to moral norms, in a way that the former is fluid and is susceptible to changes.

I think that such realization isn't much of a help in creating a better world that is principally organized when it comes to concepts and notions. Thus, I strongly suggest that that there should be a clear distinction of what is moral to what is societal. The line that separates these two gets blurred along the way and in my opinion, that is very inconvenient.

Premonition

First posted HERE last August 2009.
Reposted in lieu of what's happening all over the world at the moment. For Japan.

-----------------------

it's summer, the dark clouds continue to fall
your phone's ringing, will you still ignore the call?
no more trees to feed, displaced by dryers and lights on streets
the futile sun finally surrenders and retreats.

summer ends, a flower longs for a mid-year raindrop
unfortunately, all the clouds have been dried up.
now a neighbor mourns for a withered money tree
looks like money and tree aren't meant to be.

summer has been moved to june
will there be winter in tropical places soon?
as the sun swallows our world that's becoming smaller
we will see our future underwater.

~Rizza Jane Villanueva, Trade Off

If Sartre is alive...

Passing by the EDSA monument as we (Carla and I) go back and forth Makati Shang brought me momentary reflection about the idea of political ideologies. On how they necessarily affect political decisions on states no matter how theoretical these paradigms may be. And it is especially accentuated by the domino effect that has hit MENA countries on its stand on democracy.

It started in Tunisia; spreading unto Egypt. And now into Libya. People are marching on streets. Lives are lost. Entire nation, basically, in chaos. All for the name of democracy and freedom.

But is it really what people perceive it to be?

It appears to me as if the entire world is heavily romanticizing the concept of democracy. If you are born in a 'democratic' country and has lived in the post-Cold War era for basically the rest of your life, chances are, you have heard of the common rhetorical cliche that is "this is a free country, I can do what I want" or something of that sort.

It never occurred to me how fallacious that statement can get until that MRT ride last February 26.

You see, "free countries" do not exist. Even in economics. An absolutely free economy is unheard of. By absolute freedom we mean the absence of government intervention. The only place in the world where the government doesn't interfere with its economy is Somalia (and that's primarily because their government is still on the rocks from all the tribal wars).

To take a chance on a more politically correct term, one should change "free country" to "democratic country". However, this can also be fallacious when attached with the notion of freedom.

Lexically defined, democracy, by principle is not about freedom. It is about the rule of the majority.

Democracy
(Merriam-Webster)

a : government by the people; especially : rule of the majority b : a government in which the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised by them directly or indirectly through a system of representation usually involving periodically held free elections

In democracy, freedom is a mere tool to open avenues for the people relate their concerns about how things should go. Freedom is part of the deal but it isn't the be-all-and-end-all notion pegging the entire ideology.

So, the problem with people of today is that they equate democracy to freedom. And this is how it gets bad. With this misconception, that democracy is tantamount to freedom, people abuse the said principle. You hear them shouting on streets everyday, complaining about the price of gas, expecting the government to do everything for them, blah blah blah yadda yadda.

The worst thing is, they take any other political ideology that isn't democracy to be ultimately negative.

Like Communism.
If we would look into it, Communism is actually the ideal idealism. Not Democracy.

Up until today, no country has ever reached the ideal Communist status. Said "communist" countries are basically Socialist. Communism is forever ideal because it will never be. The fulfillment of communism demands deconstruction of basic human behavior.

Communism = selflessness.
And an entire nation being selfless is really impossible. SERIOUSLY.

As a contrast, democracy is easier to attain. However, it is also the easiest ideology to get deconstructed. Democracy, when it gets out of hand (because it CAN get out of hand) will lead to anarchy. Anarchy, essentially defined, as rule of no one and lawlessness.

When everybody claims freedom and the right to it, nobody will pay attention to authority and the spirit of real democracy, which puts weight to the opinion of majority, will cease.

My point? All political ideologies are ideal. But they shouldn't be the entire basis of what a state's political map should be. Ideologies are there to guide us. There are no perfect political ideologies.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to people working hand in hand with the government for a better society.