I’m writing this to let it all out. It’s problematic how I do not see myself as a fan of that thing. Well the romantic love thing, that is. See, I am a very loving person. I love living and non-living things. I love animals and I even love spiders! And to say that I love my family and friends is an understatement. It’s weird because I can give all the love in the world but I cannot see myself on the context of being in love.
People say it’s a wonderful feeling. It’s happy and painful, but generally wonderful. And I feel jealous of all these people who’ve enjoyed such experience. If being in love is being unusually happy, then I have a problem with that as I am, generally, an unusually happy girl. If it’s feeling pain, then I’ve had enough of that, too. But seriously, we get hurt a million times in our lives and it’s impossible that we credit it all to a broken heart.
Maybe I’ve felt having both feelings before. I’m not really sure. I do remember the story and the characters but I can’t remember the emotions anymore. I think back of the pain and the happiness that is the usual requirement but all in vain. They say first love never dies, but I can’t feel any living metaphysical creature in my hypothalamus (WHY IS THAT SO? DID MY FIRST LOVE JUST DIE WITHOUT ME KNOWING IT? IF SO, WHO THE HELL IS S/HE? HOW COME I DO NOT KNOW?) Maybe I’ve already perfected the skill of burying all painful memories or maybe my hereditary forgetfulness has taken in charge because no matter how I force myself, I can’t summon thoughts of at least one of my painful love-related memories. As in zero, zilch, nada. (AND SHOULD I BE HAPPY BECAUSE THIS MEANS I’VE MOVED ON? LOL)
And it scares me how, when I think of myself fifty years from now, I see me alone in the beach looking at the setting sun. The scary part is not seeing myself alone, but seeing myself alone AND HAPPY. It’s terrifying! I keep on inserting pictures of people who have been subjects of my
I CAN see myself old and happy with my friends and family. But certainly, no lover in the picture. And I feel sad. It’s weird to feel sad to see yourself happy. I don’t know. I’m a bit befuddled now. See, I’m not thinking anything while I type this. Just plain spur-of-the-moment random ramblings.
Some people write about love and how they want it to be part of their life so that they can feel complete, but I write about love because it’s not part of my life and I do not feel incomplete without. And it freaks me that I do not have any idea how this can happen!
How can it be that almost all the people in the world look for it so that they can be happy, whereas I look for it so that I can be happier? Well, I’m not even sure if love can make me happier. I feel like a freak. I’m happy without it. And that’s the part that scares me. HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WITHOUT LOVE? I’m talking nonsense now. But seriously, is it possible to be happy even if you’re not "complete"? Why do some people always equate love in a romantic sense? Can you not say that you’re in love without the romanticism attached to it?
But could it also be that I am just feeling apathetic right now so I’m feeling this way? Maybe it’s just a phase. Or that I love my independence too much to think about being with a person all the time. My, just thinking of having one person tied to you all your life is SCAAAAAAAAAAARY! (IT’S VERY EASY TO GRAB MY ATTENTION BUT IT SURE IS HARD KEEPING IT THAT WAY)
Where do you take love lessons anyway? Is enrollment still going on? Can I sit in?
Tsk. I officially freak myself out. Stop reading this. I have to force myself to sleep now. Sorry guys, random weird thoughts again. HAHA